FUNNY HA HA OR FUNNY PECULIAR?

So is there anything funny going on in my life or how about in YOUR life?  Do I mean funny ha ha or funny peculiar?  Ever hear that little saying?  Do people still ask that question or does that really date me?
   
Well, here’s what’s going on for me.  I have this belief that money–funds--always shows up right on time.  But Wednesday, for some unexpected reason, money did not show up at all!  It was supposed to.  Almost a sure bet.  So I racked up $70.00 in insufficient funds fees.  So I thanked God for my abundance anyhow because Thursday, those funds did come in.  And so I asked God, why?  Why today, why not yesterday?  Well, God could not give me an answer, so now I know that God, for crying out loud, is in cahoots with Bank of America.  They must need the money more than I do, but that can’t possibly be true!

Funny or not, the whole country has been impacted by a cold spell in the last several weeks.  For me, even though I live in sunny Southern California, it has been like going to a never ending Chicago Bears Football game.

To start with, I live with someone who keeps the temperature so low in the house, that miniature icicles form on my nose when I sleep.  Then they break off when I snore and wake me up!

I teach in a classroom that is so cold that the students are doing their weekly grocery shopping on their way to class.  (It is a three hour class mind you.) The frozen foods stay frozen, and everything else including milk stays COLD.

I visited my sister, Therese, for Thanksgiving, and they warm their entire house with one fireplace.  I finally got smart and claimed the couch in front of the fireplace for the last two nights.  She apologized for how cold the bedroom was, and told me not to worry about the meat hooks in the ceiling, that they had already informed the neighbors that the back room would not be available for hanging beef or local squirrel during my stay! 

As I was on the bus coming back home, a friend called to tell me he would pick me up at the bus station at 6 p. m..  Perfect!  But he never found the bus station, and I waited in a really exciting part of town for two hours in the COLD, and finally had to call another friend who rescued me.

The next morning, I went to morning Mass.  AND?  The heaters in the Church went out!  It was so cold, I was afraid to close my eyes during the silent meditation in fear I would not be able to open them up–FROZEN shut. What is with this?  Is it me?  How am I attracting all this COLD.  I am a pretty warm guy!  Well, I used to be.  When I was robbing a bank yesterday and the security guard told me to FREEZE, I just said, “Done that did that, Dude.”  Yes, indeed, a Chicago Bears Football game.  I’m even wearing a snow cap these days.

But why should I complain?   Parts of the country are neck deep in snow, and folks are forced to sit around playing cards, sippin Baileys, and getting depressed from the lack of sunshine.  They’re slipping and falling on the ice and crashing into each other on the streets.  Wait a minute!  Is it the snow and ice or is it the Baileys?  Seasonal Affective Disorder, my cold butt
It’s the damn Baileys that’s causing all the slippin and slidin.

Although I lived for twelve years with a family whose last name was Ice (they finally evicted me), I could never be an Eskimo or live in an igloo.  Especially now that I am sober.  Perhaps in years past, I could have sat close to the ice wall and had my Single Malt Scotch neat.  How neat is that!  Yea, a little grieving there!  My best friend,Glenlivet, we’re broken up forever now!  As for the Ices, I kind of miss them and wonder if they miss me.  Oh I am feeling sorry for myself now, but what the heck.  Maybe that’s what the cold does to me.

I wrote a poem this morning about the morning sun scaring away the chill, and here is an except.

The cold begins to scamper
Before it is cooked,
Melted away,
Trapped,
Robbed of its cruel shivers,
Making "old" people like us
Shake in our boots!

Well, so much for that poetic “truth.”  It is so cold right now and the sun is absolutely no where to be seen.  CHICKEN!  SCAREDY CAT!  I know you’re not off to the other side of the world, so where in the heck are you?  B-r-r-r-r-r-r-r.  The cold WINS this round, hands down and in my pockets.

It is so cold that the vintage 1960's VW Beattle, which I get to drive for a few days shakes and shivers even when the motor is turned off.  I thought I heard a voice coming from the tailpipe this morning, “I’m cold.”  Then I realized I had run over a kid on a skateboard.  No actually, it was an old man, about ten years younger than myself.  No, just kidding.  Actually, it was the car talking.  So you tell me, which one is more funny?

It was so cold in Starbucks this morning that when I was about to compliment the Burista’s very blue eye liner,  I realized her eyes were frozen.  I called for help and they said it was okay that they use her only for the iced frappacinos.  “Well, what about my order?  I want a cup of coffee?  HOT coffee, BOLD.”  They told me they would serve HOT coffee again after the Holidays, that during this time of year, they wanted to recreate the ambience of warm romance and winter wonderland.  I looked about the coffee shop, and everyone was huddled in two’s three’s and some four’s.  Everyone was doing somethin, but it wasn’t drinking coffee.  When I realized that that was about as bold as I was going to get this morning at Starbucks, I headed to Seven Eleven.  We’ll see just who all reads these hubs!!

It is cold this morning here in Yucaipa, right at the foot of the San Bernardino Mountains who are covered with snow.  Yes, they are real people to me.  Beautiful, gorgeous, tall, strong, powerful, protective people.  Very attractive.  Can’t take my eyes off of them.  They are in my life twenty four hours a day, constantly looking at me, watching over me, shrouding me, blessing me, reminding me that I have been around for a very very short time in comparison.  They hold within their souls the Spirit of God and every once in a while, I get to climb them and sit and be with God’s Spirit in a very special way.  Then, of course, there are those other moments when I’m running down the mountain, rolling over and over, one hundred bears a chasing me.  I can’t fathom the stand tall thing!  Wearing depends I think is my best bet.

The dog here, Buddy, did not know what to do with a bone last night.  I thought it was just instinctual for dogs.  I mean this was a New York steak bone with about a fourth of the steak meat just waiting for a dog’s mouth.  He kept looking at me with that you stupid human look, “What do you expect me to do with this?  What is this?”  He finally manipulated me into pealing all the meat off the bone and hand feeding him.  Then he looked at me with that I’m your best friend look.  He’s been bumping my butt with his nose ever since.  I guess that is about as close to love as I’m going to get in this house. 

The funniest thing I heard this week was from an old friend.  She told me of an evening some time back when she was attempting to  blow out a candle in her living room.  Her dinner guests were still there.  So picture this.  She bends over and while blowing out the candle, simultaneously and uncontrollably farts.  Too funny.  She said that was forty five years ago and no one has accepted an invitation to dinner since.
 
So laugh today.  Laugh hard and hearty.  Thanks for reading.  In the comments, share with us something funny from your life this week.